Saturday, July 20, 2013

Words some good some bad

Yesterday was a great battle of words.  on my cell phone the texts messages were flying between cousins and sisters and our daily activity.  One person had to throw a whine in almost every time! 
This was suppose to be a complain free zone and it was being abused. This frustrated me a lot and I responded in a smart ass way several times. --not Good! Have since apologized and will state clearly the rules when my heart is soft again.

Then after my blog posting our day began to unroll and after coffee it changed for the better -as it almost does 98% of the time. We got drivers license, sat on some couches before purchasing one, did a little art! Planned a little beer fest in our backyard! With just us! 

But then Einstein read my blog from the morning and it upset him. WHAT! I wrote that before I finished my coffee and was trying to work thru feelings of never seeing my kids when I wanted.

During the rest of the evening I felt shame great shame for upsetting him.  Why can't I be like my daughter and only write great things- why can't I be like our other daughter and say what I want and be over it. Shame is a very real thread that adds to the fabric of my life.  

"Maybe I should be through with words and choke on them in my sleep" Maybe I should put away all the desire to do something gratifying in my heart" "maybe if he knew me like I think he should by now he would see that it was a harmless post reflecting the first five minutes of my day!"

Then it hit me - I had written about the first moments of my morning - and that is all it was! Words reflect only a fraction of a day like walking past a mirror and seeing only you at that moment! Your hair is a wreck so you fix it and walk on by.

Einstein I am so sorry it upset you- I will reflect on PAST days so colors of the entire day are included. They are feelings and feelings can't be judged they just are. 

My days are colored in bright yellows and blues for all the energy received in interaction with those I love. But there is always a hint if lavender for the melancholic person I tend to be. There will be streaks of greens for the ways I want to grow and change even at 55!  And pools of reflective silver for me to sit and ponder certain moments--- these truly make up my day.  

The love we have is always always the frame for my day. At the end it always comes down to our love and life together that makes all the colors make sense.

I love you and so sorry that my rapidly  written words upset you - they were not a total pic of my day with you at all.

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