StArT NoW!

just start- put something on that paper - words, paint, pictures- layers-

too many choices

more direction

less freedom-

While flipping thru some art journal books in Michaels I saw where a woman journals her months on small "tabs" 1 per day and at the end of the month has a wonderful 2 page spread illed with importance of the days gone by-

learning is great, exposure to ideas is fabulous but ... there comes a point when all the styles, all the dimensions of ideas must become my own.

House DIY ideas

Planting flowers-

painting pics...

physically fit and eager for 10k's

a good cook .. a healthnut

it is all wonderful- but which is mine?

So after getting bored putting balls on the tree (cause I also have to put a ribbon thru them to hang them)

it was a quick run to michaels---for more stimulation and ribbon-- then home: to START NOW

white christmas

this song bubbles up when joy is in my heart. Not just happy but the deeper more filling emotion of joy---obviously it bubbles less and less. But I thought what a great way to remind myself of joy if the theme of the winter holidays is white winter--

snow does little for me except thrill me that the routine of life will be changed for a couple of days--and the noise of the universe will be much more excited too.

but fake snow ~ well maybe it can help steady the emotional ride of the holidays past crashing into the holiday of today.

I hear you knocking but you cant come in!!!

cause if i let you in i may knock you in the head!

is love so hard for some one that is so freakin smart? often it seems selfishness or arrogance or interested in thinking about things in a super genius way and not wanting to share those thoughts with their "soul mate" (I hate that word fyi) after all, "i have a masters in ..." every thing but love.

team player ha, I am very good at team and letting the others look better than me! he isnt a team player and likes to only give partial info so that he looks like a f*^% wizard!

lonesome, broken hearted, longing to belong, ...

randomness

There are so many wonderful artists out there- and I struggle to be brave enough to be my own.

herty gerty thursday

so badly wanted to have a great word for the day but, how bout herty gerty is sad-

but the song came to mind on my way home with my new running shoes and socks, 3 bottles of wine--

No Body knows...

big effort....just write!

ramble if you have to! but get in here! Northern Exposure is my most recent obsession and the words that flow from the mouths of the characters are intriguing and mesmerizing. They bring a smile or comfort in the simplicity of the beauty of life. It makes me want to "own them" but then....

winnie the pooh is filled with great wisdoms as well just not big words! ;0). Not sure I like all of this "quote" but from Laurie Bridges:

nope it wasnt my fav....but she pulls out some good points

"So loved" she doesnt know me! but dont stay in a bad situation....well how do i change it? it would take great energy and courage and that is when the anchor drops--- what a ucking cop out! the energy that flowed thru me a year ago--it came from going for it! it was fueled by more pushing, the thing that stops me is his face, his words his judgement--he is suppose to be my soul mate-

there is a great fantasy of mine--- small house or town house, 3 bedroom. joy truly coming from being together--well that is a song for later

working wednesday..

"8 days a week "

another work day another tune.... it was so nice to be missed at work tho and it was nice to be busy. SO I went to the grocery and made some dinner~~

new york new york...

this was a day started with New York New York stuck in my head~ why? I dont know where the bubbles come from only that they come! and some days are so full of bubbles....

our youngest of four turns another year older today--- and one of my fav things she said today

"ok, "How much is that puppy in the window" is stuck in my head WHY?"

haha obviously you learned it from me singing it one day or maybe more than one day.

melancholic tunes followed me home. The unsung tunes of sad, of days gone by and wonder how many are left to explore.

live THE life!! the life of the fucking universe!

longing to belong....to you

it takes so very little to make so happy. attention to what i am saying is a mind blower! smiles on my kids faces always makes me happy.

small inconsistencies well they really screw with my trust ability...i am tired and have much to do in the next 24 hours

ok it is friday and

It is friday and I am not so happy to report that other than taking my 1billionth car load to good will - not much of my challenge has been touched! Oh the little reminders come to my phone and I read them and smile and delete!

Modge Podged 2 things to a page before the kids came over with the first load o move in....their two kittens are here. But in that brief moment of creativity I heard a couple of things in my head...Gratitude towards myself and humor is my gift - topped with a hefty drizzle of gift of mediator.

This week

began with a boulder of hurt feelings- by none other that the rocket scientist himself. Of course I blame myself for being so needy but it did keep me away ALOT of Sunday night.

quickly interrupted mid morning by the gifted wonder woman daughter...dealing with siblings that she would like to just put out into the street. many painful arthritic texts later....because neither of us are short winded-

lead into a change in plans for the entire family a month out! for someone so anti-judgement she is wont do anything but judge this relationship.

then i got the greatest text, "wish you were here to take care of me" our almost 19 year college animal was very sick. i do worry she is pushing the party limit but assure myself she is a smart kids and will realize eventually her own limits or she will lose the scholarship and be home!

what I would most like to do in the next life - or the next few days-

get the couple settled in there make believe apartment at the other side of our house.

get a couple of good family recipes and a generous amount of food in the pantry

get to the gym

and push myself to finish one page of my art journal and stop moving supplies, looking at other's on blogs,

putting my "things" together--

My Song page will most certainly start with WHITE CHRISTMAS (which I havent sung in a long time fyi)

but it is a song i sing when i am happy with life, my life. OUR HOUSE just bubbles up when I say those words, or am trying to keep my doldrums away...THESE BOOTS WERE MADE FOR WALKING...light hearted feeling of taking control of my own life.

Damn the rocket scientist is out of the shower....my turn....the day starts....wonder what will happen...

already challenged and i want to challenge myself some more

It is a good day when I smile and accomplish small or big tasks-- being an empty nester for the first time in 30 years has shown me that I depended on the kids to regulate my schedule. To tether me to the planet and motivate me to self discipline (and self denial as well)

work gives a bit of schedule but it is very slow right now

my ass and hips feel like mush and my energy level is quickly moving into winter mod

eating habits ... well cereal is very good for an empty nester that hates to cook

my art work shop is constantly put to the side- and i really want to do it

but all the "stuff" that needs to be done for cleaning and organizing keep getting in the way. Not to mention I have to do so much on the side to limit arguing with einstein and he seems to collect faster than i can move it out

I have noticed the last two or three days that I stop or simply dont start something if I think it will overlap in to our couple time...*** he doesnt think like that at all----actually no one in my family cares --- if they want todo it they do it***

Today---begins a ME challenge-- I am going to work on being Me protective, entertained, enriched ---Selfish acutally and this will be a big challenge for ME!

First big schedule change....go to the gym when i want to-- I believe I want to go at 4:30 or 5:00...SO for thirty days--- they gym after work!

Music and moods

daily musical bubble float thru my mind~ I am not sure if it because of the 70's or because I just love music as a mood setter.

the art journal sets on the table surrounded by stuff that will wander to good will this weekend. but the daily music theme is strong and it needs to be used.

these wonderful ideas wander thru my day as well...it feels as though i have led a very repetitive life...always wanting to improve on the same things over and over and never actually getting much done!

eat better, more exercise, art, read, garden, write, ..... so i come home and play angry birds!

it is time

time to come back to a place to find all the space and words of the UNIVERSE! time has roared like a lion this summer... first of our four kids to marry! and the last of four leaves for college in just hours!

my bones ache, my skin is loose, my mind rarely can think ahead at all! and my heart can break with the greatest of ease. My hormones that once drove all the passion and energy now well not sure I have any hormones left!

before now I could psych myself well! a few vitamins, a few days of consecutive exercise and some good rock'n roll and my mind was healed of the bluez.

it isn't working this time....so i have had to say "OK" to the antidepressants. they are ok really! but i thought i might be above truly needing them, oh well. life is too short to not live it happy at least most of the time.

so with this new chapter, or perhaps with this addendum to a story that has been told let me use this space to color in the purpose of my silent thinking that hurts in my head so many days.

why must there be a purpose to life? why must mine mean anything at all? why cant i live just knowing that i am alive